the other day i was listening to a video in which a man who talks about meditation and the mind told a story about a woman who asked for a sign that she was doing the right thing/ living the right way. that day, as she drove down the road, a bald eagle flew into her car and landed on the dashboard. she pulled over to the side of the road and after a few minutes, the eagle flew out.
i haven’t asked for any signs.
for a long time, i’ve felt like i’m on the cusp of something really awesome. i’m not sure exactly what this thing is, don’t seem to have the words to describe it, but it attracts me. i know it’s there; some unnamed sense of mine can sense this thing. but it’s like i’m blind and groping in a dark room during blackout. i have found no guides. i take one step forward, but then two back. the thing, whatever it is, remains, still exuding attraction. i hope that one day i will reach and know it.
yesterday, by my garbage bin in the kitchen, there was a butterfly- a monarch. pumpkin used to catch and eat them regularly, at the last place we lived. i would find bits of orange wings when i swept. this one looked intact though it was lying flat on the ground, with fuzz and strands of my hair entangled in its legs. i thought it was dead. but when i tried to pull away the hair, it fluttered to an upright position, freaking me out. i am disturbed by flying things that should be outside under the sky being inside under a roof.
it was alive. i got down on my hands and knees and looked closer. the floor was dirty. i am a lackadasical housekeeper. a trail of ants moved busily somewhere, just around the butterfly. they weren’t actually touching or bothering it tho. pumpkin was asleep on a chair somewhere. the butterfly was whole, seemingly undamaged, beautiful orange and black on the white tile floor. what was it doing in here, i wondered. it looked weak. it stayed flat on the ground for a long time. but then, once in a while, the wings would flap open and closed.
it remained like this for several hours. i kept checking it. i mixed some sugar and water and put it in a plastic container lid on the ground nearby. the monarch fluttered upright again, moving away slowly, dragging one leg. was it injured, i wondered? maybe it was dying. i know butterflies don’t live that long. i left it alone then. but later, seeing it still lying on the ground, i slid an old newspaper nearby. pumpkin had awakened and i was worrying that she would see it and make a meal of it. but she didn’t and went out the other door instead. the butterfly moved onto the paper. i decided that i would move it after i ate my lunch. but before i could bring the spoon to my mouth, the butterfly soared into the air! it flew by the window a couple of times then landed on an old batik wrap that i have covering a barrel which serves mostly as a place for pumpkin to lie down and survey things from.
my heart soared with the butterfly. it was alive! it had the energy to fly! carefully, i gathered up the wrap and walked with it to the door. i watched as the butterfly flew up and over the fence, into the next yard. it disappeared among the leaves of the almond tree. i’m not sure what, if anything, that monarch was a sign of. maybe that sometimes you need a quiet place to rest before moving again? that even tho a place might be foreign and have dirt and ants and danger, it could still be a haven, albeit temporarily? that sometimes you just need to be left alone for a while, don’t need anybody’s well meaning attempts at help? that sometimes what seems like death isn’t really? that sometimes you can fly better than you can walk? or maybe none of this at all. i’m not trying to understand. i’m just observing. and giving thanks.